When you give up on the idea of finding true love, what is left out there for you? Many people say just because you can’t find the perfect “LOVE,” doesn’t mean you can’t find the perfect “LAY,” and a growing number of the people who feel that way are WOMEN!
The conversations in my “girlfriend gab group” used to be about the kids, career and men – and the general headaches they bring. There was always that one love-swooned friend versus the majority of the scorned, “all men are dogs”-huffing women, but these days, the conversations have changed.
No longer are women talking about what Romeo is NOT doing FOR them, but what Romeo IS doing TO them! And I am NOT talking about bringing flowers and candy. You guessed it, I am talking about that physical thang; the toes curling, the sweat pouring, then the “Thank you, it was great for me and I will see you later.” More and more these days, many have thrown up their hands and said “F*** love, give me pleasure,” and instead of searching for the perfect “SOUL mate” they are seeking the perfect “SEX mate.”
Face it, it gets frustrating out here. You get totally excited about your “new boo” or “love prospect,” just to find yourself after a few whirlwind months, back in the single line again…taking applications, like Gerald Levert says.
How do we end up this way? Some would say that we are not being patient enough, while others say that it is just the luck of the draw…and others say we should keep what is dear and sacred to us under lock and key until Prince Charming comes along.
Well honey, I did that before. I was abstinent for two years once after my divorce because I was afraid to put myself back out there…and when I did break my “drought” so-to-speak, I ended up being hurt by someone who “just wasn’t ready to commit” (cough) to me. Now, do I place myself on hold again? Or do I go out here and have myself some fun? You know what they say; sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs to land yourself a prince.
One of my best friends is what I like to call “sexually free.” She always has some story to tell about a chance encounter and a hot-and-heavy hookup. (I live vicariously through her often) She is what I call a true survivor. She was once in an abusive relationship with her (Thank God he’s gone) ex-husband and she has had some other bumps in the road along the way. She loves to go to Hedonism resorts and is now a member of the “Swingers Society.” She says she knows how to separate “love” from “sex” and feels that women should have as much fun out here as men do. She says there is no “one perfect” man…She says that instead of waiting on finding the one who has all the qualities, do like men and break all those qualities into different packages. Have a man that is a great to go out with for a fun night on the town, the one that is a good dinner date, the one that you can talk about world events — and the one that will break your freaking back when needed! Regardless of what others may think, I admire her for keeping it real like that.
But is that for me? Is that for you? Do we really know what we are doing and at what cost does this all come?
I needed to know if others were feeling the same way. And damn, I was surprised by the response! Everyone had something to say and IT WAS ALL GOOD! At the end there was no resolution and the debate rages on, but I hope that everyone walks away with the notion that they should do what is best FOR THEM.
As far as I am concerned, I think that I want to go out here and have a little fun. I am at the belief that maybe my Prince Charming will never find me. Not saying I will go on a romp-fest, but I am definitely tired of being locked in the castle. Like Angela Bassett’s character, Bernadine, said on Waiting to Exhale: “I need somebody to hold me, even if it is a damn lie!” Sometimes, we just need that physical connection to make up for the lack of an emotional one.
The Facebook question I posted was:
Many people feel they are “unlucky in love” …but that doesn’t mean they want to give up on the “physical act” if you know what I mean…So they say they have decided to stop looking for the perfect “Soul Mate” and have opted to just look for the perfect “Sex Mate”…No strings attached and drama free…….DO YOU THINK THAT IS POSSIBLE THESE DAYS? OR DO YOU THINK THEY ARE JUST LYING TO THEMSELVES AND SOMEONE IS STILL ALWAYS “CATCHING FEELINGS”…OR DO YOU BELIEVE PEOPLE SHOULD STILL TRY AND FIND THAT ULTIMATE LOVE CONNECTION? Do you have a soul mate or sex mate? Which works better for you and WHY? PLEASE be honest…even if you have to inbox me…need the input!
It was overwhelming! People flooded my inboxes and timelines of their experiences and beliefs.
“I think only the most selfish or otherwise mentally damaged can have ongoing same partner relations without developing stronger emotional ties, too.” – Jack G.
To which I asked him which did he prefer…sex mate or soul mate?
“Prefer a soul mate with skills at least approaching mine regarding bringing pleasure. Hard to find, but I have settled for some that were more physical but very good which makes it difficult to accept the less skilled. To be clear, really just looking for one good enough to be the only one.” – Jack G.
“Here’s an alternative perspective, it is possible to find a soul mate connection with one person but physical with a different person. Even if people say ‘no strings attached’ there will still be some. Unless you have a heart of stone or are emotionally tuned out of life, there will some form of emotion with either type of connection. It’s best to find both qualities in one person, but let’s face it, that doesn’t always happen.” – Nina R.
“well from PAST experience…he was always catching feelings lol. i would tell him, look we friends but don’t get attached…I’ve been known to be addictive…well there was one that i slipped and broke my own rule….but it was cool…he caught them too just didn’t admit it…then we were together :)” – Ashley B.
“ok so this is how I feel as a 37 y/o single woman who has never been married I decided about 3 years ago that for ME the best thing was to make every moment count. As a cervical cancer survivor I decided that if there is no permanent man in my life then the best thing for me to do was to make sure I am totally SEXUALLY satisfied by any means necessary. I am at the point in my life now where I only want a purely sexual relationship with opposite sex.I know that I am not video model material, I am a parent to 2 teenage sons, a full time student and someone who has very little time for dating and the bs that goes along with dating. So knowing what I do have to offer and am willing to put up with YES the sex thing works for me. I can admit to just having sex and only sex. And truthfully I must say I really enjoy it.” — Dana S.
“I felt compelled to respond on your FB post regarding your blog. lol A few years ago, I felt that way. I would always end up with douch bags who: A.) Were not marriage material B.) Who looked great on paper but were not compatible with me C) DOGS, DOGS, DOGSI seriously lost hope so I was like “Ok, maybe I should just go in with no feelings attached and have fun (aka “just have sex with no strings”).Well, I did it and of course, the type of girl that I am, started sleeping with the same person for a while and my feelings got attached. It seemed after my feelings got involved, so did all of the signs that he was no good. Needless to say, I found out that he was another DOG and of course our “relations,” because clearly it was not a REAL RELATIONSHIP, ended. Rewind to now, I have made a conscious effort to be more open (not with my legs but with the “type” of men that I date) to who I hang out with and most important, I DO NOT HAVE SEX UNLESS I KNOW THAT THIS IS SOMEONE I WILL BE WITH FOR A WHILE (And if God blesses, I will marry!). Following that has made it easy for me to see what is real and what is not. I have not been intimate (sexually) for almost 2 years and though it is hard, I can honestly say that it is the right move. To answer your post, I think the best thing to do is be honest with what you want, what you have, and what the relationship REALLY is. By doing that, you don’t cheat yourself out of a possible connection or a possible BUST! Lol Hope this will help with some research 😉 Felt good to share!” – Beautifully and wonderfully anonymous
“I’ll still try, but I think these feelings come in phases. Like after break-ups…even amicable ones, I want friends, I want nights out on the town, and I want to feel okay liking other people and being liked by them.” – Alexis P.
“if someone is more concerned with sex than being happy and centered with self then their soul isnt ready to mate. There are lots of other ways to have physical fun that dont deal with giving up your values and desires for a better more perfect YOU. Sex is physical, it cant replace or be an “instead of” to love and a soul connection. I think what Mike was saying is kinda what im thinking….the more you fuk around the more you lose your self, your spiritual core begins to give up on itself to compromise who you are and what you need. But as humans we attach sex and emotion in some form or another….enjoyment, jealousy, envy, resentment, suffering, longing, like, love, happiness, satisfaction……..so there will be an emotional connection and the longer it goes the more there will be because sex gets old, we will find away to either get deeper with the person to continue to get enjoyment or we will find a way to detach. the more you give up yourself the harder it is to connect to your soul…let alone anyone elses.” – Stacy P.
“you can’t find your soul mate cause your always with your sex mate..while your soul mate mate is crossing your path u are wasting precious time for an orgasm ..they can’t approach you because you appear to be taken. my advice is be available not taken ..or wasting precious time with someone who doesn’t make u happy …..God you said it is not good for man to be alone” – Painkilla
“I think we as females need to Stop looking Mr.Right….there is no such person because We are all human beings with flaws..More than likely ur Soul mate is right in ur present or have been! At the end of the day…no matter what or how we been taught….A man is going to still be a man….even if he is a dog, whore etc. He will still be LABELED A MAN! CAN’T SAY THE SAME FOR FEMALES….” – Yani W.
“I think it is possible to have the sexual aspect and not have strings attached. I think the issue comes in because I would say that 80% of people missed the anatomy class where they explained that the heart and all connecting strings were in the chest and not in the groin area, and this applies to men and women. People put too much emotion into the sexual aspect. Sex is not devaluing, demeaning, or wrong…and until people understand that they will continue to have issues keeping a mate, hell even a friend for that matter. I mean to be honest, it’s all hypocrisy…what I mean by that is the next person is so easy and willing to judge another based on the beliefs they were taught…but they fail to understand if a man or woman has been taught that using sex to get money is ok, remember, they don’t think they are doing anything wrong. Does that take away from their value? No…but because of the negative stigma associated with sex, the hypocrites look down their nose…and wonder why they so-called “hoe” can keep a mate and they can’t.” – Elle G.
“The sex mate can work. This has been my save for the last year, and I have no complaints. my philosophy is this (learned the hard way). I have a wall up. My expectations are really simple so there is not a lot of room for being let down. I cant lie I care about him, but I know that we could NEVER be together so when I get all mushy I push back and regroup.. this is the beauty of a sex mate. We both understand this. We have never even had an argument. I have caught him getting in his feelings once or twice… and I just remind him of the rules.. we push back for a few weeks and things continue..” — Nikki J.
“Sex mate is good, soul mate good. Done deal” – Sha Sinatra
And then there was Michael D. Moore, the self-proclaimed “Love Guru” and author of “Cheat 2 Save Your Marriage.” Of course, he had PLENTY TO SAY:
- “I Am The Self Proclaimed Love Guru…Have a Seat. Here is the problem with people that meet their Soul Mate. “THE RUN THEM OFF”
- “The feeling overwhelms them and can’t believe it’s true, so what they do is test drive the person so hard in disbelief, that they run them off. Then turn around and make excuses to their friend saying, “HE/SHE WASN’T THE ONE..BLAH BLAH BLAH..” Fact is, you can’t keep a soul mate, because your soul is out of wake. Most people have been through so many so called sex mates relationships, that they get their wires crossed up, when it’s time to rope that steer/heeffa. (It’s Rodeo Time Excuse Me) People need to take a step back and re-wire themselves. Many of you aren’t ready for the big leagues, so you try and play the Sex mate card. That’s just an excuse not to be responsible for your short comings. Cause you can always throw up the Sex mate Q Card. I don’t know about women, but…real mean see through that BS. So, we play right along with it until we get tired of the sex. “DID I MENTION….GOOD SEX GET’S OLD?” See people need more than just sex and women need to stop thinking men only want sex. We want a full blooded, mind thinking woman. “Not a punching bag” So, let me end with this. You only get 2 soul mates in life, and the more sex mates you have, the less likely..your soul mate will appear. Or do like other women/men do. Move from your home town, to a new town and that should erase all your sex acts.”
- “it’s simple. Being confused comes from being weak. A true leader is never confused. You make the call on a decision whether it’s right or wrong. Confusion will get you run over in the streets. So, imagine being in the middle of the streets and you have to make a decision to run to either side. I bet you will not be confused about that. Heighten up your instincts and you will not fall victim to bad relationships over and over again.”
- “Example #1: Woman said she couldn’t date this one man with bad credit. 2 years later he became a millionaire. Was he the right one or was she the wrong one?”
Agree or disagree? Feel free to comment below…and until then, if you can’t find true love…why don’t you just “make love.”
