by Kayo Branded
They lied, cheated; the two of you broke up and got back together. They lied, cheated; the two of you broke up and got back together. They lied, cheated; you bought you some sense, packed up your clothes and kids, moved. Then the drama began.
It is amazing how as long as you are fighting to save a “wrong” relationship, the party who is causing the issues has no issue — until you decide you want better for yourself. From harassing phone calls, to showing up at your job, to threatening emails, and multiple calls to your mama — I think we all can benefit from a crash course in “Dealing with Exes 101.”
Now if both of you have come to a mature agreement about chucking the deuces and have decided to remain friends — consider yourself blessed with no stress — but this isn’t for you. This is for those of us (me included) who have found it hard to survive and pick up the pieces of our lives and really move on after leaving a relationship that was filled with manipulation, lies and drama.
Breaking up was simple when we were teenagers; it had no rules, it had no consequences (in most instances) and the drama, if any, was light and short-lived. Heck, you could probably have a new boyfriend or girlfriend the very next day and moving on was not so heavy.
Today, it’s evident that relationships blossom and die quite often; but are they ending? And if they are ending, is the end healthy where both parties can move on and have healthy relationships with other people without their ex interfering?
At some point or another, we all are going to have to star in this dreadful scene. Sometimes it’s hard to be an adult with irrational people — hence the reason he or she is now your ex — but below are some tips, hints and precautions in handling the one who let you get away.
Guilty or Not Guilty: You reserve the right to leave
It is amazing how two individuals enter into a relationship and immediately the relationship becomes some kind of silent contract that states “If anyone gets tired of the other, you owe it to the other to stay.”
Newsflash: unless you have made a vow before God, you reserve the right to leave any relationship that is counterproductive to a healthy life. If you feel that a relationship has run its course, please do not allow your partner to make you feel guilty about wanting out. This is a sign of a manipulator and it is a clear indication that your misery, in some sick and twisted way, makes them feel comfortable. If you want to leave, you reserve the right as a human being to do so.
Burn the Bridge: Refuse to go backward
The majority of our exes have not taken our separations seriously because, no matter how many times we split, we leave the bridge in place. We go back on our words. We go backward on our expectations. We go backward in our demands. Burn the bridge so you can’t cross it anymore.
A lot of things that we continue to do with our exes are not even done out of love, it’s habitual. You have become used to calling them every morning. You have become used to having sex with them. You have become used to their cooking. Well, if all of these things that you became used to were beneficial to the life of your relationship, guess what? You would still be together.
It is time that your ex takes you serious. Stop answering their calls, tell your parents it’s not okay for them to communicate with that person, block them from your Facebook and email list, let their friends be their friends (even if they became friendly with you) and move on. It’s time you get serious about this being over!
Don’t lean on the one you left
You have finally gotten the balls to leave him or her and in week two of your mourning, your dog dies. DO NOT call your EX. This is the time where you are going to have to turn to your friends and family and not to the arms of the one you left.
In times of sorrow, hurt and pain, we all desire intimacy to help us heal and suppress the pain in our hearts. Not only does this reopen a closed door; the feelings that you are feeling are temporary and when you are over your emotions, your senses will be back stronger than ever and guess who will be at your door at 6 a.m.? Your EX. Don’t fall into the trap of leaning on the one you left. You will regret it later.
Wash the dirty laundry but DO NOT air it out online
I know, I know; it is hard. Facebook and our other social networking sites have become mini-personal diaries for the majority of us and sometimes we are just so frustrated about the pain and agitation that an ex can bring us that we start blabbing our feelings online. We don’t realize that by talking about him or her, you are leaving the door open to opinions, arguments and the “blame game.”
I know you see it as personal encouragement and I can’t lie and say I haven’t been guilty of doing the same thing. You want the world to know how much of a jerk he was. You want the world to know how much of a skank she is, but it will only just keep the relationship going.
Sadly, most exes feel that any attention is enough attention to keep hope alive. If you have to get some things off your chest, I would suggest you do it the old fashioned way and purchase you a pen and pad. Write a letter to yourself and store it for hard times. Hey, at least this way you can keep yourself and your reputation intact.
Don’t feed into the hands of “Jealous Jello”
You have broken up, he or she keeps calling, showing up everywhere you knowingly frequent and you have been ignoring them. What’s next? The ex finds someone to use as bait to get a reaction out of you. Don’t do it!
At the end of the day you will look foolish to the new fling and it’s only an attempt to get you to call. Even if it’s to give him or her a piece of your mind to say how much you “don’t give a damn,” don’t do it. In the middle of the argument, he or she will make you feel like you are a horrible person and/ or an idiot for leaving when you know you made the right decision.
In some instances even the new fling will tempt you with subliminal remarks about you or going out of their way to let you know that they are together. The only reason he or she would do this is because your ex talks you up, then talks you down; creating a competition and “jealous Jello” so they can feel better about being left. Laugh at it. Ignore it. Move forward.
The 6-month Rule: Ignoring ignorance
It is a shame that as adults some can’t grasp the concept of being. I mean, your ex has probably — by this point — made it hard for you to even be friends with them once the smoke clears.
Here is something that no one has probably ever told you, the one who gets left never gets over it, so they live their lives trying to get even. Ignore the ignorance. Go cold turkey from your ex for at least six months. No Facebook. No mutual friends. No checking on them to see if they are handling the rejection that you so bluntly served them. No phone calls. No text messages. No lunch. And most importantly, NO SEX!
Six months is enough time to allow someone to see the error of their ways and even though it’s over for the two of you, hopefully they can become a better person for the next relationship they enter.
Lastly, if your ex threatens your life, please don’t take them lightly and call your local police. Rejection is a hard pill to swallow and some people can only take doses in a liquid form. Be careful.
About Kayo Branded
Kayo DaHost-Branded is a multi-talented singer/ songwriter, rapper and MC from Louisiana now residing in Houston, Texas. Inspired by his mother, Kayo grew up in the church and started singing at the age of five. Kayo has hosted and performed at many venues in Houston and, most recently, performed Live on KRIV Fox 26. His highly-anticipated album will be released soon.
Writing is Kayo’s second passion and he publishes many thought-provoking articles on his blog, KayoBranded.com. Kayo’s dream is not to be famous, but to be an inspiration for those who are seeking to win against all odds. He is definitely one to watch.
Connect with Kayo DaHost on Twitter.